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The start of something new. [10 Feb 2007|11:15am]
[ mood | pee dance ]

So I've decided I'm going to write in this at least once a week. I was reading through old posts and forgot about almost everything I wrote about. I like that cause I havne NO CLUE what I did last month and nothing to freshen the mind. But anyway.

Quick update since last post:
Havn't talked to Tom since the begining of July.. besides a drunken text I sent him a few months back. When he wrote me back the next day, I realized my stupidness and deleted his number out of my phone before you can say "dumbass" so my drunk ass wouldn't do that anymore.
At Northeastern since August. It's ok. I've met a couple people worth my time. I should be graduating by December of this year.
Christmas was ok, Newyear's was gay... on an end note to 2006: It sucked my ass.
I had my 23rd birthday... woo fuckin hoo.. not a big deal. Went to Hops and Barley.. When did my life become so god damn mundane?

On to the present:
I've been listening to a lot of Bayside lately. Bayside reminds me of Tom becasue of the harsh/brutal lyrics. Therefore I've been thinking of Tom a lot. Can I not? Why is it so hard for me to forget about this scum? Its starting to get pathetic. WE NEVER EVEN DATED! I had a dream about him last night. I was kind of a sex dream.. umm.. i was doing something and ended up with him, just laying there in some room on a bed. I remember wishing he would kiss me.. but he didn't. We were talking for a while and then we were just kissing.. not rough and sloppy, though, very passionatly. Um, that right there must tell you it was a dream casue that doesnt happen. but back to the dream.. that goes on then I walk out into the kitchen and see a woman, and quickly get embarrassed, thinking it was his mom and that I was disrespecting her house by sleeping in the bed with Tom. Who dreams like that? POOF.. be gone from my mind.

I went out to dinner at Marias with Chris last night. They have the best strawberry margaritas I have ever tasted. I got a 20 dollar best buy gift card. It's nice. I kinda wish i could date someone like chris. Not HIM, but someone LIKE him. Our personalities go well together.. we're not afraid to be dumb together.

I found my goddamned camera I've been looking for since september. It was in a drawer in my hallway. How the hell did it get in there? Now I have two. I want to sell it on ebay, but i want like 500 bucks for it. Its not worth that much and no ones going to buy it, so I suck.

I'm going to start selling tons of stuff on ebay. I'm going to pay off this 7000 credit card bill if it kills me. I've been putting a lot of money towards it, so I'm doing my part as much as possible.. Kinda. Maybe I should stop boozing all the time.. then I'd be able to put a lot more.

Actually, I havnt been boozing much, lately. I havnt gone out the past 3 fridays and not really during the week. (with the exception of thursday with Chris, Erika, Miss, Yola and Bret to Hops). Thursday was fun. Chris makes me laugh like a banchee.. he's so funny. He was drinking scotch on the rock and got a little buzzed and fell off his chair and broguht Erika with him.. ha. The whole bar was clapping for them.

Tonight I'm not doing shit. I'm going to clean the hell out of my room. do all of my laundry. Scrub, dust, THROW AWAY. I'm kinda excited for it. Who's excited to clean? Depending if I get done at a decent time.. I may go out.. But most likely not. I'm so sick of the people I hang out with... Theyre becomeing a bore to me as I see some of their other sides. I need to make new friends.. With the exception of a few, of course.

I need a boyfriend.. Thats what it really is. I'm so sick of being the single one. I havn't even kissed anyone sInce neighbor Matt the day before thanksgiving. I'm so fucking lonely it makes me sick. I'm so desperate I even posted an ad on craigslist.. Didnt work. It's been depressing me a lot as of late. I feel like I'm going to stay single my whole life. I just want to be happy. I have no idea where to go.. With valentines day coming up, i just want to go die of lonliness.

I just won 3 dollars on a lotto ticket.. too bad I spent ten on three. grr

I have to be, so im done for the day.

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hmm [12 May 2006|02:28pm]
[ mood | content ]

I kinda forgot about livejournal... good thing I like to check out my "favorites" about once every 2 years, eh?

Lifes been life. Still thinking about Tom.. even though I wish I wasnt. The kid has something about him that draws you to him.. as if he was a power over you. Hes nothing great.. average -if that- looks, a loud obnoxious personality.. but yet, Im still infactuated with his guy. Its the little things that attracts me to him.. The fact that he works hard.. hes home for 45 minutes.. than is off to school from 6-11 every night. I LOVE that hes going back to school.. I never thought it would happen since hes been out so long. He manages well, hes moving back home because his grandpa died, and doesnt want his grandma living alone. Hes sweet like that when he wants to be. But then there's him and I. I dont even know how to deal with this. Its become nothing more than late night booty calls with him, and thats not what I'm about. I need to get the courage just to tell him its got to me more than that.. or its over.. I mean.. this thing with him has been on and off for a year... Time to commit. He's the only person that I get nervous around. I contantly think of things to say, becasue I actually care about what he thinks of me. And believe me.. everything comes out dumb, of course. I just know that I could make him happy.. If he'd let me.

"And maybe you can keep me from ever being happy,
but your not going stop me from having fun.."

What a tool.

What else... Yolas Grandpa died. I went to the wake on Tuesday night. Bret picked me up and we went over. It was a different ceremony.. all in polish. I didnt know what was going on half the time.

Ive been reading more... which I like. I've recently bnecome addicted to autobiographies. Right now, I'm readin "A Hard Long Road Out of Hell" by Marilyn Manson. People think I'm a big weirdo for this.. but its extremely intersting. Its always the fucked up people that make for a good read.

ok, back to work. Im getting bored with this.
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[30 Jun 2005|11:29am]
[ mood | lazy ]

Havnt updated in a while... havnt been in the mood.

I went to the Lawrence arms show a few weeks ago. It was amazing. One of the best shows ive been to in a long time. It was me, yola, and we met up with marta, matt and sylvia and eventually travis. Fun times. Tim from Rise Against was there and i talked to him! well... kinda.. Sylvia went up to his. got in his face to see if it was him and walked away. I went up to him and apologized for her. *faint* haha. I guess matt skiba was there as well.. didnt see him, though.

Me and Tom are through. He ended up being a big dick. He was just using me for something i didnt want to be used for. he still has my guns n roses cd.. grr whats with me and leaving things at guys places?

I talked to kyle the other day.. i asked if we could be friends... because we should be. Its rediculous that you spend 5 months or however long it was.. with someone... then just never talk again... we started seeing each other for a reason... so we must have some things in common.. ya know? im not asking for it to be anything like it was... nooooo.. ya know... just a friends.. someone to go to concerts or movies with.. nothing more. hopefully it could work out..

im going to be broke for the next 2 weeks....... Im leaving for the Dells on the 13th.. so all my moneys daving up for that. Its gonna be a killer time. My neighbor has a house in the dells, so shes letting us use it. It has 2 pools, a jacuzzi, fire pit.. everything. so far.. its me, Trish, Yola and maybe Clancy. Im go excited.... beer, water, go karts and a lot of other things will make for a good time.. holla. Plus.. all the lakeview people.. like Darren, scott, mike, billy ,anne, sharon... and others... so well be meetng up with them and drinking with them during the weeks as well. Plus.. tom from crete is gonna come up for the weekend... fun times.

I really hope clancy comes.. i miss her a lot.

We went out with darren last weekend... it was really fun. We went to his friend johns to pick him up then went to some little podunk bar on lawrence. The john kid kept calling me Olga for some reason.. telling me i looked like Olga. We stayed at the bar for a bit then went to jenny Buschners for a bit. That was a lot of fun. They were playing all these oooooold song and we were all just dancing and having a good time. after that, we went to another bar on central.... but ended up just leaving and going home after like 5 minutess. good times.

this weekend is fourth of july... and i dont have any plans. i dont know of a thing going on... MAN! i love fourth of july... i love fireworks.. love them love them love them..

Ive been talking to Rich a lot lately... and im glad. I miss him. We used to have some awesome conversations and stuff. hopefully when he moves... hell move a bit closer like he was talking about.

Its been so hot out. I took off work on friday and went to the beach. it was the hottest day of the year... a steamy 98 degrees, and i didnt get one pinch of sun. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN? i was expecting to be burned. i wish i didnt work as much... maybe i could actually go take advantage of this steamy weather.

OMFG! clancy just called me and said shes going!!!!!!!!! YES Im so excited! and i guess donnas going too... until friday. WOO.. Fun times.

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[18 Jun 2005|10:56pm]
i have no more tears left to cry.
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[13 Jun 2005|06:57pm]
Im not having a good day today. There are so many things on my mind.. i just want to lay in my bed and cry.

I saw Kyle on Saturday.. and as much as i have bitched and complained about him... it was out of anger. I really kinda miss him. I cant get him out of my head.... Sure.. there were a lot of bad things going on in our relationship... but there were also some good. I dont know, i shouldnt let myself think about it too much.. cause nothing will ever happen again.. i doubt he'd ever even want to talk to me again. who blames him.

I dont know what to do about this Tom situation. I like him, but i think he likes me for all the wrong reasons. What do we do? I go over there, and we sit around his apartment. Hes never tried to get to know me, hes never attempted to take me out. Sure.. he has said some sweet things to me... the sweetest i have EVER heard... but it was all drunk talk. The only time he touches me is when he has a few in him. I dont deserve that..

Will i ever find a guy that will actually put forth an effort?

I cant stop listening to this song: "peaches and Cream" by the John Butler Trio.
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[09 Jun 2005|12:00am]
so i dont know if Tom thinks I'm his girlfriend. i call hiim tongiht and hes all like "So you can come over when youre done if you want" Me: "well, do you want my to come by?" him: "do what you want.. you just gotta let me know so i can get all my other girlfriends out of here before you come" (joking of course)

i hope I'm not his girlfriend!! Not that i dont want to be .. i do.. i just dont want our status to be assumed. he needs to take me out and woo me. (more than his kiss shorts and tick shirt already have.. haha) he has to ask me. he has to be like "michelle, will you be my girlfriend" HAHA im the lamest person ever...

i hate this time in a relationship. the time where you dont know what the hell the other person is. GAY GAY GAY.... ehhhh

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[08 Jun 2005|12:21am]
haha so im on this stupid clubs website... if you wanna see go to..


click photo gallery...

on the top, click main menue...

click NorthBeach downers grove... then clubline chicago launch party (or something) right next to it

im like the 6th pic on the first page.

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. [06 Jun 2005|02:21pm]
Im sick. I spent the night at toms on saturday and he has a cat and it killed me. My allergies turned from me being all snotty and sneezing, to body aches, migranes and what feels like a sinus infection. Being sick sucks... especially when you sound like a nasally assclown.
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[01 Jun 2005|11:35pm]

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hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... [31 May 2005|04:14pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

what a long weekend.. a lot went on. some good... some eh, not so good. IT all started on Thursday night. Yola and i did our traditional thursday night festivities at US Beer Company. we met up with Travis and Ashley, and drank. We ended up at sme bar downtown, then i cut my foot open and met some guys that bought our way into tequilla roadhouse. Crazy night. Very out of control. I didnt get into my house until like 5 am. WOW.

I ditched work the next day and Yola and I went to Woodfield. since we were over there, i called Kyle to see if he would give me my shit back. Surprisingly, he met up with us. He was trying to make small talk while exchanging stuff. I was waiting for my money, when he has the fucking audacity to take his checkbook out, write me out a check.....15 dollars less than what he owed me.... and then tell me "yeah, dont cash that for 4 to 5 weeks... my account doesnt have the money in it" FUCK THAT! who does that??? he goes to Florida, sells his books back, goes out hardcore boozing every night, goes to movies all the time... but cant pay me back. FUCK HIM. hes fucked me for the last time. i will get my money.. even if it is fucking him over. GRRRRR.

later on that night.. i just spent the night with tom.. watched tv and movies and stuff.

SAturday was LAME. nothing went on. We went to a couple of stupid parties.. but i was home around 12.

Sunday was awesome. it started out at Adams Barbeque. he had it in the forest. it was pretty rightous. they played kicksball, and i had my first experience with a vodka melon. mmmm. we left after a while and went to yolas house and just chilled for a bit. Around 6ishhh... tom called me and told me to go over there. They had a small party as well. tom was kinda saucy when we got there. Ive never seen him so lovey dovey in my life. He kept on telling everyone how i was his girl, and kissing me in front of everyone and introducing me to everyone. It was nice. i liked it. We went in his room for a second and he was telling me all this sweet stuff that made me so happy. he was all like "youare so gorgeous to me. you.. you make me so happy. You can just come over. and we can just chill and watch tv, and it makes it an awesome night. you make me happy.. i AM happy. and i know you said when we first kissed that it wouldnt have happened if you didnt make the move... but i wanted to. i really did.. but i like you so much that i didnt want to rush it and have our relationship be all physical..becasue you make me happy" yeah... all that sweet talking led to, um.. a few things. haha =)

i like him a lot... but sometimes i feel hes another kyle. He only seems affectionate when hes been drinking. UGH.. im not putting up with it this time... if he doesnt sweep me off my feet in the next 2 weeks... its done... it doesnt matter how funny, cute and awesome he is. =( i hope he sweeps me.. i dont want to let this one go.

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awwwww yeah! [25 May 2005|02:29pm]
Im totally going to the Styx concert tonight. Whos the coolest girl ever? IM THE COOLEST GIRL EVER!
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mmm mmm bitch [24 May 2005|12:39pm]
[ mood | satisfied ]

Im happy. Like really happy.

Over the weekend Yola and i ended up going to Pats 22 bithday kegger. It was the normal people.. ya know.. Joey, phil, Pat, Ryan, Tom, etc. Well, i was talking and drinking to Tom pretty much all night. towards the end of the night he asked me how my boyfriends treating me, and he'll kick his ass if hes not treating me well. I told him we broke up like a month ago, and he was all like "are you serious.. i wish i knew that in the begining of the night cause i would have been hitting on you this whole time." it was cute. Then he was telling me how im hotter than a maxim model (haha he was a little saucy by this point... and obviously his vision must have been blurred). He was also telling me earlier stuff like "YEah, id buy your flowers, and treat you like the queen you are" Damn me for being a sucker for those damn sweet talkers. Well, before i left, we made plans to hang out sunday for the sunday night lineup.. and i left.

yola and i ended up going to a bar in river forest where we met up with Travis where i got TORE up, and ended up making out with a guy named Willy Nelson. ANYWAY

But back to the tom story.. he does little sweet things.. like when we left pats, he texted me "hope you guys get home safe... goodnight" and the next day he text me with "good morning beautiful" and stuff like that. Its cute.

So i ended up going there Sunday. It was me, joey and him. We ended up just watching movies and stuff all night. its was a nice relaxing night.

I went back over there last night. i got over there right at the end of billy madison. We watched the end of that with Joey and his gal, then they disapeared. We watched tv for a bit and decided to watch halloween. It was cute cause he was being a gentleman and didnt even try making a move yet. So i was sitting at the edge of the couch and he was laying on my lap. precious. when the movie was over, i leaning down and we were just being stupid with each other.. and I went in for the kill, casue im awesome like that. WE made out for a while.. then i went home.

I like him. =) I like the way our personalities mesh. I can be stupid with him and he'll be stupid right back. i love it. I think it might be kinda weird for Joey. All of a sudden im back in his life all the time... at his apartment with his roommate. hmmm.. he'll just have to deal. Maybe we can actually be cool again.

god, i really missed hardcore makeout sessions. so now im happy happy happy.

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Is this real or is it fading [20 May 2005|04:38pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

SO i was on my way to Bakers Square to pic up my delicious turkey cesar salad, when ::RRRRIIIIIIPPP:: my elbow goes RIGHT through my jackt. OK! HAHA maybe if i didnt wear it EVERY day i wouldnt have to worry about wearing it thin like i did. So now im walking artound all ghetto with my elbow hanging out. HAWT! Well, at least i got my salad..

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[17 May 2005|05:53pm]
My car fell apart yesterday. No more tail pipe or catelytic converter (or whatever.. haha i was calling it my cadillac converter before) so its gonna cost me like 400 bucks... Yeah.. the car isnt even worth 400 bucks. PSHHH. just another thing that goes wrong in my life. All im doing tonight is going to walgreens, picking up a pint of my best friends ben and jerry, and sitting on my ass and watching gilmore girls and one tree hill.
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[14 May 2005|09:35am]
So I hung out with Joey last night. It was awkward. It really sucks, and it hurts to know that someone that you were SO close with, treats you like a stranger. he was one of my best friends. and because of some untrue bullshit, he holds this grudge against me. He says things are cool, but i can tell they arent. He wont even look me in the eye when he talks to me. He cool with EVERYONE else but me. I wish hed just tell me what i did, casue its killing me. I miss him.

I was telling this to Yola last night and she brought up a lot of stuff to me. she told me i should just drop it, its in the past and i dont need him. She was telling me how im cold lately and just plain unhappy.

I am unhappy. Im unhappy with everything about myself. Im going into my fourth year of school... im supposed to graduate this year... but im not.. cause i fucked up, and ive fucked myself from going anywhere i want to go becasue of it. Im going to be sitting around watching all my friends graduating and moving on with their lives.. and im just going to be here.
I cant handle money. I get paid a good amount of money and its gone by the first weekend. i dont know where it goes or what i buy.. but im always broke. I cant do anything.... casue im broke. i wish i wasnt like this.
i hate my situation. I cant hold a friend. it seems like everyone find something about me, and just forgets. Yola and clancy and maybe trish or Colin are the only ones who give any kind of shit about me. I dont know what it is about myself that cant hold onto a friendship. Am i that bad of a person. i didnt think so, but im starting to think different.
im tired of being a dissapointment. my parents constantly tell me that they cant trust me and how much i have dissapointed them.. and that hurts more than anything in the world. to have your own parents think youre nothing but a dissapointent will kill you. theyre constantly throwing jabs at me about things. arent parents supposed to help you out and stand by their kids? sorry mom, sorry dad... im nothing but a fuck up in your eyes.
Im always getting compaired. my whole family loves to rub it in my face that all my cousins are away.. how Liz is at UofI and Seans at ISU... and how their doinf AWESOME.. and how their doing this, and doing that, and making triple honors, and in how their so smart and awesome. Then when its time to talk about me.. nothing to say except a criticism here or there.
I cant hold a relationship more than 3 months. after that.. they cant stand me anymore. the first month is great.. couldnt be better... but after that.. i dont know..

On my way home last night.. i was just crying and crying.. thinking about how unhappy i am. the road was blurry from the tears swelling up in my eyes, and i couldn help but think "what if i just ran off the road.. into that tree.." is that normal? of course i would never ever do it, but it kept running through my mind.

i think i need to get away for a while. Maybe ill go to atlanta and live my my cousin or my aunt for a bit. Or apply for school somewhere farther. i need a break. I need to find myself, i need to find happiness. All i want is to be happy with my life, and i dont know if i can do that here.
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Waiting for the rain to stop.. Destination's Beautiful [13 May 2005|11:47am]
Last night was a good time. We didnt leave my house until about 10. From there, we went to Underground lounge to meet up with Janet, Billy, and Mike. We stayed areound there for a bit, casue Matty was working and the boys were getting free drinks. The original plan was to go to US beer company.. but Pete called us and told us it was so packed they wernt letting anyone else in. We decided to go to MyBar. Elijio, Cory, Zeke, pete and Kathy met up with us. It was a good time. Billy is so funny. He was going on about how that Banana gwen stefani song would be oh so much better with some Little John action going on. funny shit

Im sleepy. Schools over.. but it doesnt really feel like it. its supposed to be at least somewhat warm when school ends. ugh
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The best sex I've ever had started with a 900 number.. [12 May 2005|09:43am]
[ mood | hungry ]

Last day of school.. Ahhhhh... feels so nice to say... so im gonna say it again... last day of school, ahhhhh. No more waking up at 4am to finish homework i didnt finish the night before. no more novels that i have no interest in reading (not that i actually read them anyway, no more 6:30am showers, no more being home by 11 so i can actually wake up in the morning....... for three months anyway. I have a good feeling about this summer. Good times will be spent and rad memories will be made. im excited.

I still dont know what im going to do about school next semester. I was dead set on going to Northeastern, but then i was informed that i only need like 8 more credits to get my degree at triton.... SO i dont know what to do.. stay at Triton for a semester and go to NEIU in spring.. or say fuck it and just go to NEIU.. uuggghhh. For a long time, i was really contemplating going back to southern... Man, I'm all kinds of mixed up. If i go to NEIU.. ill know tons of people.. Pete, Elijio, Cory, Chris, blah... which would be nice. ugh i dont know.

I was really upset in the begining of the week. I got into an argument with someone, and me made me out to be a complete bitch. I know what and who I am, and its not a bitch. I have never been one to intentionally hurt someones feelings. ever. And when someone bombards you with these accusations.. it hurt my feelings, cause i never meant to do what he was accusing me of. I never led him on, i never made us out to be anything that we wernt.. i talked to him like i do any of my other friends. Whatever... Let him think what he wants about me.. i know who i am.

So I went to go see Tony's set on Saturday. It was AMAZING. Prolly the best acoustic set i have ever experienced. I always knew he was good, but he just blew me away. I was telling rich.. I could definitly see them going somewhere. He was doing certain covers that gave me shivers. Utterly amazing.

Were going to us beer company tonight. I really like that place. I was introdused to it last Thursday. Its a straight up college bar... band playing, 50cent drafts. fun times. Im going out and getting ripped due to my recent three month freedom. Man am i excited.

I got my hurrrr did last week. it looks fucking awesome. I just got an allover brown.. the black in the bottom and throughout is still noticable. I got big chunky pannels on the sides, aand a big one in my bangs of this reddish coppery color. I like it a lot, i think when it starts to wash out, im going to go get some like manic panic or something and put some hot pink in there. holla for sex hair!

I took my mom to the mall the other day and she ended up buying me some things, which is weird, casue she never buys me clothes. She got me a 90 dollar pair of guess pants... reduced to 35 of course.... and a purse. SWEEEET! new clothes are always groovy... especially when theyre free.

Im starving. I think im going to go get some Taco Bell before my last final. MMMMMMMMM...

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[02 May 2005|11:06pm]
i spent all of yesterday making customized CDs for people. It rocked. Its hard to make a perfect compolation cd... but i think i do all right at it. It gives me joy to make poeple CDs. and that was the highlight of my weekend. how lame am i.
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in like a lion... out like a lion. [30 Apr 2005|10:23am]
[ mood | drained ]

The weathers horrible and it makes me angry. i mean.. come on!! its MAY already! Come on sun, be a pal and just come out more often. Is that so much to ask of you? NO.

Im so mad at myself. I guess i forgot to write something down in my checkbook, and i over drew my account by like 20 bucks.. with 3 didfferent things. So thats 27 bucks for each thing. thats 81 bucks man... 81 bucks i dont have. Im going to be broke YET AGAIN after this check. not cool. 200 bucks towards bills. My plate renewals are due..110 bucks. Insurance will be 105. and my phone bills due- 70. I'll have like 40 bucks to last me 2 weeks... and that will go towards gas. AND mothers day is coming up.. WTF man.

I need a get rich quick scheme. Maybe I'll sell some stuff on Ebay... i dont know what the hell id sell... but hopefully ill find something.

Im so sick of my work. I do nothing but sit around on my ass all day and surf the internet. I know i might sound easy/cool.. but its not. you can only do it soo long before you want to rip your hair out. I think im going to start looking for a new job. The only thing, though, is that i need somewhere that will pay me the same or more (which i doubt id find), somewhere that offers benifits (aka i'd be working full time) and somewhere that will work around my school scedule. Yeah.. doubt i'll find anything. I was thinking about bartending. they make hella money. but i wouldnt want the hours. I just need something to cure thise boredom, casue its seriously dragging me down.

I think i want to take a semester off of school. Yeah, i dont think i will, but i want to. I need time to figure shit out. Im going into my fourth year next year, and i dont know what i want out of it. Im just wasting my money by switching majors and schools all the time. I need to get my shit straight and find out what i really want out of life. Its bad.. becasue i go with instinct.. without thinking things through. Ill just get up and go, then kick myself later. Im like that with everything. when i want to do something.. its got to be done RIGHT AWAY. Yola brougt this up to me. I just need to settle down and find out who i am... cause its hard to tell anymore..

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[28 Apr 2005|12:21pm]
so i had a dream that i had a baby last night. It was a baby girl. Dark hair, bright blue eyes. I cant remember what i named her. I remember she was unexpected, but not unwanted. We never had a shower or anything, so when she was born, i had nothing for her.. no clothes, no diapers. nothing. people were looking down on me for having this baby out of wedlock..and not even talking to the father.. but i dint care. i was happy. No one wanted to help me out, not friends, not family.. so i did it all on my own.

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